Fear

I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of large crowds of people. I'm afraid of people judging me. I'm afraid no on is listening. I'm afraid of living forever. I'm afraid of losing everyone I love. I'm afraid my friends don't like me. I'm afraid of my potential. I'm afraid I don't have any potential.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of being lost. I'm afraid of someone finding me. I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid of reliving the past. I'm afraid of heights. I'm afraid of the darkest dark. I'm afraid of starting a family. I'm afraid I'll never get the opportunity to start a family.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of bugs when they get too close to me. I'm afraid of dying alone. I'm afraid of dying. I'm afraid of love. I'm afraid I'll never fall in love. I'm afraid of my dreams. I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid I'll never change. 

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of clowns. I'm afraid of chocking. I'm afraid of my own emotions. I'm afraid someone is going to shoot me when I open the door and I'm home alone. I'm afraid I'll become someone I'm not. I'm afraid of wide open space.

I'm afraid of being alone.

Aren't we all afraid?

Life and Death

Have you ever thought about why funerals are so sad? 

I think it's because we mourn the death of the person. Thinking that they died, and we'll never see them again. 

Instead of mourning someone's death, you should celebrate the life they lived. Be happy that they lived at all. Life is such an important gift, and I think we take it for granted.

4 years ago, my mom was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. The doctors told her she had less than 6 months to live....

They didn't know my mom.

She battled the disease for over a year. Living her life to the fullest.

One of her dreams was to see all 50 states with my dad. She did.

She was such a strong woman. She used to joke about my dad getting re-married. Or, sometimes she would joke about haunting people when she was gone. 

Her funeral was November 15, 2008.

It was sad. But. There was also some laughter. Instead of dwelling on the fact that she was dead, I thought about her life and everything she had taught me. All the people she had touched and befriended. 

Sure her body is dead. But, when your body dies, your spirit stays intact. She was freed from the pain of this world and set free to live forever in another. I'm grateful for that. 

As part of my faith, I know that I can be with her again. I will be able to hear her speak to me and hear her laugh again. She'll be able to give me all the advice she would've if she were still here.

I do miss her. And sometimes it's hard, but she's around. She plays with the electronics in the house sometimes, sending us messages. Right now, she's reading this over my shoulder. I love her for it.

So the next time you think bad thoughts about your parents, remember that life is short. You should always have a good relationship with your parents. They love you, and just want to do what is best for you. One day, you might lose one of them sooner than you thought, and you'll regret not being friends. 

Love in life, and in death. You'll see them again.

"Life is meant for making memories."   

~Mum

Broken Dreams

I walk alone.

The thunder rolls, and the lightning flashes, the rain starts to come down harder than ever. Lightning flashes again, and the lights all around me go out. The tall buildings look cold and empty. I keep my head down and walk. 

I walk alone.

I walk down a street and pass people who stop and stare. Whispering behind their hand. I can hear their whispers in my head. Voices talking about how great I could have been. My lost potential.

I walk alone.

All I see for miles are the feet of those voices and, on the cracked sidewalk, pieces of my career and my dreams strewn. Playbills with my name crossed out and replaced by another. Pencils, markers, music, microphones. I see feet. People treading my my hopes and dreams. My talent. I could see it all  being sucked beneath their feet.

I walk alone.

I look up once and see a half finished marquee with the lights empty and the backboard dark and lifeless. The sky is crying for me. I look up as drops fall onto my face. I start to cry.

I walk alone.

I feel the eyes of the people around me as I stare into the dark sky. I can't bare it any more. I put my head down and run. Pushing people out of my way, their words bouncing out my my ears, their eyes continuing to follow me. I need to get out of the city. I need to get home.

I run alone.

I've run so far. without taking a look back or forward. Who am I? What am I to become now that my dreams are shattered? 

I'm running down a familiar street. Wanting desperately to escape into my world and never face the outside again. 

Here.

It should be right here. 

I arrive at the place where I grew up. I look up for the first time in miles...But it's not there. I see the ashes of a past crumbling in the rain. My life. My home. My dreams.

Gone.

I walk alone.

Thinkin' About You

We're so far apart. It;s been so long. I wonder if you're thinking about me.

Because...

I'm thinking about you like thunder thinks about lightning. I'm thinking about you like eagles think about flying. Like music thinks about playing. Like hands think about holding. Like lips think about kissing. I'm thinking about you like dogs thing about fetching.

I think about you like mirrors think about reflecting. Like brains think about thinking. Like hair thinks about growing. Like children think about growing. I'm thinking about you like fingers think about typing. 

I wonder. Because...

I'm thinking about you like dark thinks about light. Like right thinks about wrong. Like top thinks about bottom. Like truth thinks about lies. Like go thinks about stop. I think about you like good thinks about evil. Like left thinks about right.

I think about you all the time. I hope and pray you're thinking about you, although your far away. I think and...

I wonder if you're thinking about me.

~Amelia Pond

Something I do in my spare Time

This is one of my pictures. I like it a lot, and I can't help but share it with everyone I can get to look at it! I really did take this picture I promise. :)

Love

     Love is the moment when you jolt awake after missing a stair in a dream. Love is a spell without a counter curse. Love is beautifully complicated. Love is the warmth of a hand in yours. Love is the soft sound of thunder and rain outside your window. Love is bigger than the ocean and much deeper. Love is putting complete trust into another person. You can never give up on love. Love is feeling. Love is majestic. Love is hard to find, and hard to lose. Love is embedded in deep, you can never for get love. I believe in love.

Love is forever.